Ramadan as a Time of Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Sabreen Azhar, Psychotherapist, LMFT
The Spiritual Landscape of Self-Compassion
Ramadan is not just a month of fasting—it's a profound journey of transformation. Yet, many of us approach this sacred time with harsh self-judgment, creating internal struggles that can distance us from the month's true essence.
Self-compassion is not a modern psychological construct, but a deeply spiritual practice embedded in Islamic teachings. It's about creating an internal sanctuary of mercy, where our struggles are met with understanding rather than judgment. It is a way of rooting ourselves with the ever nurturing source of Al-Raheem–Allah–The most compassionate. It is a gateway to positive mental health and wellbeing, while building resilience and personal growth.
Ramadan and Self-Compassion:
As we enter Ramadan, many of us come with a mental checklist that looks like an Olympic training schedule–finish the entire Quran, taraweeh every night, prepare elaborate iftars, maintain work productivity, exercise, be the perfect parent, spouse, child etc. While these are commendable goals, and encouraged, it is important to be mindful that everyone has different capacity and responsibilities. The Prophet ﷺ reminds us that our “body has a right over you" (Sahih al-Bukhari 5199). showing the importance of knowing our limits as humans and compassionately interacting with ourselves.
It isn't about lowering our standards or making excuses. It's about understanding that Ramadan is a training ground for the soul. Each time we feel hunger, pause before speaking in anger, or choose patience – these are victories in submitting to Allah.
Allah tells us in the Quran that “fasting is prescribed for you…so that you may be mindful of God.” (2:183) and right after “God wants ease for you, not hardship” (2:185)
Taqwa–God Consciousness is the foundation of fasting and the means to building mindfulness and compassion. Allah specifically reminds us that He wants ease for us and not hardship. Sometimes, we drown ourselves with more hardship with negative self-talk. Allah is the Most Merciful and the Prophet ﷺ embodied mercy. He ﷺ taught us that perfection isn't the goal – striving is.
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Kristin Neff, associate professor at University of Texas, and a leading researcher on Self-Compassion, shares that compassion for oneself is no different than compassion for others. She talks about three elements of self-compassion:
Mindfulness vs Over-identification: Being mindful and accepting of the hardships and trials that we face vs. staying stuck in our struggles.
Self-kindness vs Self-Judgment: Treating ourselves with gentle kindness as we face trials to build resilience and spiritual fortitude. Staying away from harsh judgement and criticism.
Common Humanity vs Isolation: Recognizing the universality of shared struggles reduces feelings of isolation.
True Nature of Self-Compassion
Self-Compassion in Islam is rooted with Allah, not the self or unhealthy desires. It is not about feeling good, but doing what truly serves the soul and our well-being. There may be times we need to have “tender self-compassion” (Neff, 2003) and comfort directed towards ourselves, while at other times we may need “fierce self-compassion” (Neff, 2003), which encompasses more assertive action and possible discomfort. For example, we may be tired and exhausted from a heavy work day, but still make time for daily prayers despite the difficulty. This compassion means doing difficult but necessary actions for long-term spiritual, mental, emotional and physical well-being. Self-Compassion takes building that muscle and ultimately connecting in a deeper way to Allah. It helps us become more present in our worship and more attuned to the subtle barakat of Ramadan.
Three Strategies of Building the Muscle of Self-compassion:
Practicing kindness to oneself.
To plant seeds of nourishment in ourselves that help us to grow and sustain ourself.
Celebrating small wins.
Learning to acknowledge our actions as we strive towards Allah and for our health and our well-being.
Challenging negative thoughts
If we keep feeding ourselves with negativity, we create obstacles to our growth and connection to Allah.
Self-compassion in Ramadan is understanding that our spiritual journey is personal, imperfect, and beautiful. It is not a spiritual obstacle course, but a sacred space of healing and growth. As we cultivate self-compassion within us, it brings us to a more settled and connected experience internally as well as externally with Allah and others.
May this Ramadan be filled with seeds of compassion for ourselves and others, and a means for spiritual elevation and connection with Allah, our ultimate destination and home. Ameen.